SUCKLE UP, DUDE

"As many of us know, women and men in Saudi Arabia must be careful not to mingle, as the insanely strict Islamic law bans mixing between the sexes who are not related. Recently, the Saudis have issued a fatwa that forces women who come into contact with unrelated men on a regular basis to breastfeed them so that they can be considered “relatives” and not potential lovers. The strangest part is, this isn’t the actual issue at hand. The issue is, how do the men get the milk? I know, it just gets weirder. According to the Gulf News, Sheikh Al Obeikan, a consultant to the Ministry of Justice and an adviser to the royal court stated, “the man should take the milk, but not directly from the breast of the woman. He should drink it and then becomes a relative of the family, a fact that allows him to come in contact with the woman without breaking Islam’s rules about mixing.” This fatwa applies to men who regularly come into contact with the same woman, or men who live in the same house with a woman. The woman has to pump her breast milk into a glass and give it to the unrelated male. Doesn’t that sound appetizing? But, not all agree with giving the milk in such a way. Oh, no. Another high-profile sheik, Abi Ishaq Al Huwaini, believes that the men should suckle the breast milk directly from the woman’s breast. Now we are talking! How is it that you can get close enough to suckle, though, without getting thrown in jail? If the genders aren’t allowed to mix, how could you do this without the religious police on your ass? This is serious stuff! Under this strict Islamic law, women aren’t allowed to vote, drive, or leave the country without the consent of a male “guardian”. For example, in March 2009, a 75 years old Syrian widow named Khasmisa Mohammad Sawadi---I repeat---75 years old---was sent to jail for six months and given forty lashes after the religious police found out that two men (who were not her relatives) were in her home, delivering bread. Now, did they really think she was getting it on with these two delivery boys?"